I moved my journal to radiosilents, and would love for you to join me! *nudge nudge*
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My problem is I am not sure who hasn't noticed I've moved and who just plain doesn't want to follow me... and either is fine. But I did like everyone on my friends list and would love to keep them! ;)
I'm now over at radiosilents. Come on over!
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After over three years of feeling funny about my user name, I've finally decided to make a new journal. It's going to be kept strictly friends only, I think... (that may change). I also wanted to clean house a bit, and this is a good way to do it!
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My new lj user name is....
Go add me, if you'd like. If not, no hard feelings. :)
So, on a whim, I typed "persistent fatigue and pain" in Google and got dozens of links to sites and articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I read through a few of them, and I have just about every symptom listed.
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I guess I should make an appointment soon, just to see what the doc says about this. It would be nice to know that I am not just being lazy or something (or appear that way to others).
Yes, life is good. So why I am still worrying about everything?
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Anyhow. Thanks to everyone for their words of support and congratulations -- it means so much! I couldn't have done it without you, you know. Do you remember, many of you helped me with my statement of intent for my grad school application? :)
I am just so happy to know that I will have the chance to gain some teaching experience, and enough that will qualify me for professorial jobs once I get out of school! (Most postings I see require two years' experience.) And of course, the money doesn't hurt. I'm still just completely stunned that this happened to me.
Other nice things:
>> Casey actually bought me some coveted Bliss Vanilla & Bergamot Body Butter, something I would never have indulged in myself. He can blame his sister, though, who sent me a sample of the stuff in the first place!
>> A lovely letter from nevers, a surprise package from kismet09 and the fantastic little beehive painting I bought from boygirlparty
>> I've commissioned the talented miss emilystar for a custom Blythe. Viva la bartering system! I'll wait patiently, but I can't wait, of course!
>> I met with the awesome & amazing comfortslut yesterday after work to discuss our design venture (or rather, her design venture that I am going on a ride in). I'm starting with image research and brainstorming and stuff this week! Yay!
>> My uncle sold his house already. It was on the market for like a week! Despite its myriad issues, the young couple who bought it LOVE the place, see lots of potential in it, and have the ability to do the work that it so desperately needs. They even told my uncle he can just leave whatever he wants there, and doesn't have to do any repairs -- they're taking it totally as is. I'm just so happy that it will belong to someone who loves it. (This is the last place I lived for nine years, by the way, and where my mom and her siblings grew up.) My uncle is coming up from NC today, and on Saturday the family's getting together over there to sort through who wants whatever's leftover in the house. I hope to score another chair, a dresser or two, a bed, and who knows what else.
On another, less good note: I am really, really tired. I get enough sleep, and not too much, yet I am always fatigued. On top of that, most of the time my whole body hurts, even when I haven't done anything physically taxing. I really need to see the doctor, I guess -- I'm sick of feeling bad all the time. I hope it isn't anything serious. Has anyone experienced this before?
So today I went over to the Art Department to pick up my papers regarding the TA awards and stuff. When I arrived, the awesome secretary told me, "It just keeps getting better! They gave you this, too." She handed me a letter that said I also received a college fellowship that would tack on another $1,000 to my award, for a grand total of $11,400.
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Please, don't pinch me!
I love these snowflakes! I would love to buy a bunch and hang them all over the windows in my apartment.
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I can hardly believe it myself, but I just found out this morning that I got a TAship for the coming school year. That covers tuition and comes with a stipend of at least $8000.
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(EDIT: I just talked to the secretary, who said that the stipend is at least $10,400, and maybe more!!! WOW!)
I don't know any more details yet, but suffice it to say that I am beyond thrilled.
Man, I've heard of this stuff happening to other people before, but I never thought it would happen to me!
It's not to say that something GOOD also happened to me yesterday.
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I was invited to dinner at Shasti and Jethro's house.
I haven't seen them in ten years. We all went to SUNY Purchase together, and the last time I saw them was when they came into the Beat in Port Chester while I was bartending in 1995. It's a long story, but at school, I knew them separately and I didn't really know either one very well. But they were each the type of person who left an impression; they were each people I enjoyed seeing on campus. So when I discovered that Shasti is teaching workshops at a local photo gallery, I was so excited and emailed her right away. I couldn't believe they were living in Buffalo now! I had no idea.
The funny thing was that I wasn't entirely sure they'd remember me, but thought what the heck anyway. And happily, Shasti called me that night, and we eventually made dinner plans. Last evening I drove by their house like three times before I parked and went to the door, I was so nervous!
But I think Shasti is one of those people who was destined to be my friend, and I had a wonderful time catching up with them and meeting their two-year-old daughter, Ruby. It really amazed me at how alike she and I seem to be, and she's an enthusiastic friend, which I love.
A bonus to the situation is that Shasti is looking for someone to assist in her graphic design business. We talked about it on the phone, I (half) jokingly said that I would gladly do it, much excitement was had, I sent her my flickr link, and brought my portfolio to show her before dinner to see if she thought it might work out. I was so pleased when she reacted so positively to my work. I think we jumped around a little, hugged a lot, and decided that we'd give working together a try. So now, I don't have to go out looking for shitty part-time jobs, and get to learn the biz from a very talented and successful designer. I really admire all that she has done not only professionally, but personally, and think she will be a very good influence on me. :) I hope that I have half as much to offer her!
This whole having girl friends thing is so, so nice. I still need to write about my fantastic, crazy weekend in Toronto and all the cool people I met/got to know better. For now I will say that emilystar is the consummate hostess, and it was great to see hazlewood again for breakfast! And, I got to meet enigmatsm, inseam, mylaar, and so many others.
Yes. I will write about that soon, posthaste. :)
I love my friends!
I am so mad at my neighborhood right now. So disappointed in it.
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Jersey St. between Fargo and Prospect, how could you do this to me? After all the times I have confidently defended your honor, your reputation? Why would you shit on me like this? How am I supposed to feel about you now?
This morning when I opened the door to get into my car, things seemed odd. My orange mittens and N'ice lozenges were on the driver's side floor. Both hatches to the glove box were wide open and appeared emptier than when I last looked inside them. The lock on the passenger side was up, unlocked. My mind didn't comprehend what my eyes were seeing. Something like this never happened to me before, ever. I put too much trust in humankind. I am still naive.
My car was broken into. Fortunately, I keep nothing of value inside it since we moved to the city, and fortunately, they didn't break the windows. They also didn't figure out that they could have opened the trunk from the inside of the car, though all they would have found was a spare tire and a few grocery bags' worth of empty bottles. But the feeling that came over me when I discovered my personal property violated was so unexpected. I was numb for a moment, and then I started shaking. I went in the house to get Casey to come see, and I started to cry, nearly hyperventilated. As we inspected the scene, we saw that scraps of paper and a photograph and ticket stubs and pens from the glove compartment were on the street. The cloth I use to clean the inside of my car was gone, but they left the mittens and they left the blue wool blanket that I had on the passenger side seat and they left the dilapadated road atlas that was on the back seat.
I can't remember if I left the door unlocked or if they just knew that my car is easy to jimmy open -- I know it is after having seen the AAA guy unlock a door in literally seconds with the right tool. I can't imagine I'd have left the door unlocked. It was also the first time in several days that I didn't park in the back of the house, figures.
So, I didn't lose anything, my car wasn't damaged, and no one was hurt. But it feels crappy anyway, being betrayed by my neighborhood.
|Subject:||It's all OK|
It really is!
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That other entry I posted today went private, because it really should have been to begin with. But if you did happen to read it, things are fine now. Things always get fine. I'm all set to go to Toronto (well, Brampton) tonight!
I will miss my boy and the kitties, though. I'm such a baby.
I guess I can attribute it to PMS, which always makes me feel weird about everything, but man, am I just totally stressed out about mostly small things today. The thought crossed my mind that I would just be better off dead. I know, drama queen and all that. I'm half serious about those feelings, though -- sometimes I wish I could just curl up and die because I feel so incapable of dealing with real life. Heck, even cyber life.
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That said, if you can respond with even a hug to show that you don't think I am so bad, would you? I just need some reassurance today. (Ugh, I know.)
Like, I don't know if people are just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me (but want me to go away), and it's even harder to tell via emails. So someone might say that something is A-OK, but don't really mean it and just want to appease me so I will get out of their hair. Or something more specific: that the conductor of the orchestra says that I am a good clarinetist and would love to have me play with the group again. Is he just saying that to be nice and knows that I probably won't do it anyway?
So I get thoughts like these and they just multiply into other things I can find wrong with me. That I am flaky and don't follow through with things, like Nervousness, which I happily signed up for again after a long hiatus. But now that the main site has been down and it's just the forums, I feel incapable of finishing things up because it's too much to try to keep track of without my object page -- I don't want to try to hunt information down on countless threads on a forum. I just don't. So now I've set myself up to flake out on all these things that I just can't bring myself to do anymore. I guess I should just make a post that says, "Count me out! I'm a flake!" and be done with it. But even the thought of opening myself like that is terrifying, too. So I'm stuck.
Another thing that I have come to realize is that I am a worryer, big time. More than I ever knew. I asked Julie about it one day and she said I've been that way as long as she has known me (about 8 years). The thing is, I don't remember always having been like this, and that worries me. ;)
Finally, I'm wishy-washy. I get this from my mom, I know. I don't want to upset anyone, so I play that, "Whatever YOU feel like doing is fine" game. Which is annoying all to hell. I'll hem and haw, trying to make a decision about the stupidest thing. And then when I do decide, I worry.
See why it's so tempting to just put my eyes out or something?
My friend Julie is taking me out for dinner tonight for the Dining Out for Life thing, and we decided to go to this place, which is near our neighborhood, over on Rhode Island St. -- we're on Jersey, get it? :)
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Yum yum yum!
And I've been invited to dinner at Susannah's house tomorrow night. Wow!
OMG it's not that I am so much tired as my whole body, every inch of it, is completely sore. More moving stuff and much cleaning at the old place yesterday. And there is STILL stuff left there, shit! (Can only pack so much into my little Toyota Echo.)
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Things that make me smile:
+ That Coca-Cola commercial with Adrien Brody.
+ Eggs and toast for breakfast. I like Arnold's Multi-Grain bread with Olivio buttery spray, eggs over easy. Then I cut and mash the eggs up and spoon them onto the toast, one bite at a time. Wash down with Dole Orange Peach Mango juice. Almost every day.
+ Bergamot and Vanilla body creme by Bliss, which I'm sure is wicked expensive. I used up my sample over the weekend.
How I will make it through the day at work, I don't know. Though if I was home it wouldn't be much better -- I'd still be sore, and our horrible mattress doesn't make sleeping a nice experience anymore.
It's so gloomy this morning!
|Subject:||Friday Five, from lostarcadia|
How many locations (dwellings) have you lived in?
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+ Within my first five years, three different houses in Alden. The last one I lived in until I was 19, and moved back in for a few months when I was 25. My mom and stepdad still live there.
+ With a family in France for a month.
+ The dorms at SUNY Purchase.
+ The dorms at an arts camp in the mountains of southern California for two summers.
+ A couple loft apartments at 2 Highland St. and a studio apartment across the way in Port Chester.
+ Three different places in Buffalo during my early 20s: 439 West Ferry, 27 Manchester, and 114 Claremont.
+ My grandparent's house in Alden for nine years.
+ and now my new place in Buffalo: 224 Jersey.
If you could place your dream home in any location, where would it be?
That's a tough one. I don't know, but maybe somewhere near a decent body of water and some mountains.
In terms of the act of moving: are you a packer or a box mover?
I prefer packing, but act as box mover out of necessity, too.
What one item do you own that you absolutely hate to move?
Either the bookcase or the filing cabinet.
What's worse: the act of moving or a routine cleaning at the dentist?
Definitely moving! Though, since I haven't been to the dentist in so, so long, who knows? It might be worse. Ugh.
I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately. I have mixed feelings about it, and I am curious what everyone has to say about it. Please comment as necessary; I'd love to get a big response!
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Are you married?
No, but I'd like to be someday
No, and I don't plan to ever get hitched
No, but it doesn't matter to me either way
If yes, why did you get married?
Would marriage be a deal-breaker in your relationship?
If you are married, did things change in your relationship once it became "official"?
If you recommend marriage, why?
Though I am often afraid I lean toward the negative stuff too easily, which scares me...
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Your Life Path Number Is 5
You are very versatile, adventurous, and progressive.
With a 5 life path, you are one of those people who is always striving to find answers to the many questions that life poses. You want to be totally unrestrained, as this is the sign of freedom and independence.
You abhor routine and boring work, and you are not very good at staying with everyday tasks that must be finished on time.
You are, however, a good communicator, and you know how to motivate people around you, perhaps inclining you to be a teacher of some sort.
A love of adventure may dominate your life.
This may take the form of mental or physical manifestation, but in either case, you thrill to the chance for exploration and blazing new trails.
You are apt to be multi-talented, but just as likely to suffer from some lack of direction, and there is often some confusion surrounding your ambition.
On the average, the number 5 personality is rather happy-go-lucky; living for today, and not worrying too much about tomorrow.
It is important for you to mix with people of a like mind, and try to avoid those that are too serious and demanding.
It is also important for you to find a job that provides thought-provoking tasks rather than routine and redundant responsibilities.
You do best dealing with people, but the important thing is that you have the freedom to express yourself at all times.
You have an innate ability to think through complex matters and analyze them quickly, but then be off to something new.
In the most negative application or use of the 5 energies, you could become very irresponsible in tasks and decisions concerning your home and business life.
The total pursuit of sensation and adventure can result in your becoming self-indulgent and totally unaware of the feelings of those around you.
In the worse case situations negative 5's are very undependable and self-serving.
Ack, I am realllly tired.
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But last night we got the bookcase in place in the bedroom and put the filing cabinet in the "little" room. And we put the 8x10 rug down, which is gorgeous and plush. I unpacked some books.
There is still so, so much to do. I don't know where everything will go. I should definitely have a yard sale, for sure. Or something.
And this morning I finally cleaned up the kitchen from the BIG weekend mess. So much better.
I am realllly tired.
Wow, it just hit me: I'm really, really tired. Also a tad cranky, mainly because my boss went to (probably a long) lunch and I am stuck here until 1:30 when a responsible student assistant comes in to man the office. And I am hungry. Times like this I loathe being an assistant to someone, because your needs are almost always second to theirs, no matter what.
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I suppose I am just being a big baby, though. It's PMS week, which never helps matters.
But I think overall I have been handling stress better lately, not getting upset over stupid things like spilling hundreds of photographs out of a box in the backseat of my car, or breaking a full wine bottle in the laundry room of the old place and having it spill everywhere, or going to pick up the rugs by myself last night, etc. As a result there have been many fewer fights in the Amy/Casey household because I have so many fewer weird outbursts of frustration. Or something.
But yes, I am so, so tired and I am hungry. When I get home, though, I am thoroughly dedicated to attacking the huge pile of stuff in the dining room. I'd like to place the bookcase and file cabinet and put stuff in them! I'd like to put the rugs down! That would be half the battle.
Hm. Where to go for lunch, when I can go...
It was a busy, tiring, but really great weekend. I felt some true joy and satisfaction, not a completely alien feeling for me, but not a frequent occurrence. I think since we moved and are getting settled, things are falling into place and I'm enjoying life a lot more. I hope Casey is, too... I think he is, though always insists he doesn't really care where he lives.
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Friday evening kristiem1, her hubby Michael, and nearly nine-month-old daughter Imogene came to visit and we ordered take-out Thai food, which was great fun. Imogene is just adorable and sweet and I'm now hankering to look through my Debbie Bliss knitting books for little sweaters to make for her. I seem to like infants quite a bit more than usual lately, but have no fear -- I still don't want one of my own. As usual, Kristie wore a super-cute ensemble. I need to take her shopping with me next time I decide to replenish my wardrobe, most definitely.
They had to leave fairly early to put Immy to bed, but it was great to hang out anyway. I hope we can do it more often!
Saturday, Casey and I went out to the old house to prep for the big move on Sunday. We stayed out for a couple hours and had a take-out lunch from China King in Alden, whose food we miss quite a bit -- surprisingly, we haven't found a place we like nearly as much in the city, though I am sure there is one somewhere. I'm so glad we did that, though; I really didn't realize how much more stuff there was left to pack, and we filled two more garbage bags of junk. When I went up to the attic to get the few things I have there, I discovered that it's infested with mean flying insects of some kind. Wasps, probably. Ick.
Sunday, Sunday! I was absoultely dreading it, especially so worried about the parking situation on Jersey St. since Sundays the Pentecostals usually claim the entire block as well as block our driveway during their services. But, with the help of my stepdad, mom, and friend Susannah, the loading up went quickly, and when we arrived back to Jersey, there was plenty of parking and my stepdad was able to pull his truck into the driveway, no problem. THEN, our across the street neighbor, Eddie, offered to help us unload. So emptying two cars and two trucks took less than an hour. It was amazing, and afterward, we all ate pizza and wings and all was well with the world. I know owe major moving karma, which will probably be worked off when my friend Kevin moves back to town from North Carolina in June.
I also picked up the rugs I got from Craig's List, but since our whole house is packed to the gills with boxes and miscellany, we haven't unrolled them yet... but they appear to be of a very good quality and came with pads and everything. I can't wait to get everything unpacked and arranged and finally be settled for real. We just have to go back to the old place once more to clean up and pick up a few remaining things like the drum set, which we will do this coming weekend.
What a whirlwind! The weekend after that, I'll be heading to Toronto to see friends and go to some sort of crazy Blythe doll thing; the weekend after that, my dad and stepmom will visit. Though I am looking forward to all the activity, I am also looking forward to truly relaxing in our new place. In June I will have a combo housewarming/birthday party. Do you want to come?