amy-lou (agreenan) wrote,

Inadequate, awkward -- anyone?

I guess I can attribute it to PMS, which always makes me feel weird about everything, but man, am I just totally stressed out about mostly small things today. The thought crossed my mind that I would just be better off dead. I know, drama queen and all that. I'm half serious about those feelings, though -- sometimes I wish I could just curl up and die because I feel so incapable of dealing with real life. Heck, even cyber life.

That said, if you can respond with even a hug to show that you don't think I am so bad, would you? I just need some reassurance today. (Ugh, I know.)

Like, I don't know if people are just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me (but want me to go away), and it's even harder to tell via emails. So someone might say that something is A-OK, but don't really mean it and just want to appease me so I will get out of their hair. Or something more specific: that the conductor of the orchestra says that I am a good clarinetist and would love to have me play with the group again. Is he just saying that to be nice and knows that I probably won't do it anyway?

So I get thoughts like these and they just multiply into other things I can find wrong with me. That I am flaky and don't follow through with things, like Nervousness, which I happily signed up for again after a long hiatus. But now that the main site has been down and it's just the forums, I feel incapable of finishing things up because it's too much to try to keep track of without my object page -- I don't want to try to hunt information down on countless threads on a forum. I just don't. So now I've set myself up to flake out on all these things that I just can't bring myself to do anymore. I guess I should just make a post that says, "Count me out! I'm a flake!" and be done with it. But even the thought of opening myself like that is terrifying, too. So I'm stuck.

Another thing that I have come to realize is that I am a worryer, big time. More than I ever knew. I asked Julie about it one day and she said I've been that way as long as she has known me (about 8 years). The thing is, I don't remember always having been like this, and that worries me. ;)

Finally, I'm wishy-washy. I get this from my mom, I know. I don't want to upset anyone, so I play that, "Whatever YOU feel like doing is fine" game. Which is annoying all to hell. I'll hem and haw, trying to make a decision about the stupidest thing. And then when I do decide, I worry.

See why it's so tempting to just put my eyes out or something?
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